By:: Tyler Colborn
There’s a sad, sad reason why soda is more popular than water: water changes wherever you drink it. Coke is a standardized beverage; if you think a can is good at home, it’ll be perfectly fine at a restaurant. But water… it can taste hard, soft, tinny, muddy... Among people who have recently moved (especially between states), the new taste of water is often considered the hardest thing to get used to. Whenever I visit my uncle in Colorado, I have to drink Rocky Mountain water… it’s disgusting. It’s half minerals, almost as bitter as fish oil. You’re supposed to keep hydrated at a mile above sea level, but drinking water was like drinking cherry cough syrup. Some water fountains at this school remind me of the Rocky Mountains, and some remind me of pure, fresh Indiana well-water, the best Lake Michigan’s watershed has to offer. Do you, dear student, wish to know where you may quench your thirst?
For the purpose of this article, I will detail the various features that an individual water fountain can possess. Water can be hard- that is, containing various minerals- or soft, which is closer to pure, pH-of-7 water. I hate purified water, which is meant to be as soft as possible, but I also hate mineral water. We’ve already talked about the flavor of water enough… but there’s much more to a water fountain. The temperature… I don’t want to break my teeth, but I don’t want my mouth to become a tea kettle, either. The range of the waterspout is also an important factor, and the speed at which a student may fill their water bottle is obviously important during any passing period. If one puts all these factors together, they can conclude which water fountains to drop by between every hour… and which to skip.
The value of every water fountain will be based upon the following scale:
Temperature - it has to be cold without being uncomfortable
Taste - it has to be a good balance between hard and soft
Range - the waterspout shouldn’t reach the floor, but you shouldn’t have to risk licking the spout
Speed - you want your water bottle filled right quick, right?
EAST SIDE of the SCHOOL:
MAIN HALL, 2nd FLOOR [EAST]
Temperature: 3/5 (between lukewarm and cool)
Taste: 3/5 (slightly metallic)
Range: 3/5 (could only reach halfway across the table)
Speed: 4.5/5 (could fill a water bottle at a reasonable pace, doesn’t hit the mouth too hard)
Final Score: 13.5/20
This particular sample was characteristic of the school itself; nicely-paced water fountains, which range between metallic and smooth in flavor, slightly hard.
KIZER WATER FOUNTAIN
Temperature: 4/5 (fairly cold)
Taste: 4/5
Range: 4/5
Speed: 3.5/5
Final Score: 15.5/20
A near-perfect combination of temperature and taste; ineffectual, however, for filling a water bottle during passing period. A good comparison would be attempting to fill a bucket with an eyedropper.
HOSINSKI WATER FOUNTAIN
Temperature: 3.5/5
Taste: 2/5
Range: 3/5
Speed: 4/5
Final Score: 12.5/20
A middle-of-the-road water fountain in several ways; never visit it if you’re one of them thirsty boys that ask to get out of class. It tastes bad and fills you up quick, like cream of potato casserole at Thanksgiving.
FACS FOUNTAIN
Temperature: 4/5
Taste: 4/5
Range: 4.5/5
Speed: 4/5
Final Score: 16.5/20
The best all-around fountain so far, sadly tucked into the corner of the school, much like how you always find the stuffed toys you missed in the corner of your closet.
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